Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
