On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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