I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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