Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
