she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
