so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
