woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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