see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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