I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize