i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
