Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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