I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
