Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
