I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
