why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
