I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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