i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
