A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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