I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
