Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
