First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
