the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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