i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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