last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
