talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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