If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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