lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
