I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you would pick up someone in the library
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
