Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
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You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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