When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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