my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
