dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
