I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
