plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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