So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
