so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
