my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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