I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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