She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
