P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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