You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
