Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
