i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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