A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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