Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
