Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
