Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
