too bad you live with your parents still
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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