I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
