dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
