I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
