I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
