If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
