I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
