hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
