We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
