He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
